Grandmotherly love...

I am a 65+ year old Grandmother – MeeMaw – is the name that is used to address me. The nickname came from my only biological grandson when he was first learning to use words. Through the years, other children have called me MeeMaw and I have been grateful to add them to my list of grandchildren. Of course, my real grandson is the most special one in my heart, but the others are very loved just as a grandmother would love their grandchildren.

Watching the grandchildren grow and become adults is like watching a budding tree that is grown from the seed of a fruit that began in your body. Our own children are really just experiments and tests of our nurturing ability. We make mistakes, our children have difficulties and as a parent we learn as we go. By the time the children are having children, we have gained some insight, realized what we “should” have done, and most of all mellow out. These little creatures are perfect. How on earth could they be anything else? They are sweet and beautiful – our reward for all the hard work we put into raising their parents.

There’s a saying “If Mom says NO, ask Grandma!” It’s good advice because I believe a grandmother who says NO is a rarity. That’s all well and good while the babes are still babes. There is this phenomenon about babies – they grow up. In just a few years they begin questioning authority and start making decisions on their own. They don’t seek the advice of the grandparent as much. Inevitably, in about 18 or so years they become adults and go off on their own journey.

As a grandparent we strive to make this adulthood transition as easy as possible. Maybe there has been some money set aside for school or just to get them started. Situations often occur that the grandparent was as able to help their children financially as they are their grandchildren. We love them so much and put so much faith and trust into them that we forget that they are actually human with human flaws and temptations. Just like all people, they make bad choices. They get themselves into trouble. And grandparents want to help.

As the grandchildren have matured or aged, so has the grandparent. By the time the grandchild reaches adulthood, the grandparent has made the transition from being an employed individual to being retired and living on a fixed income. There isn’t the money available to help the grandchildren as there had been in the past. But, the grandchildren who may have made those numerous poor decisions are often so secure in getting the grandparent to help that they don’t see that helping themselves is harming the oldster.

Alcoholic or addicted grandchildren seem to take advantage of the grandparent/grandchild relationship. Senior citizens are easier prey when emotions are involved especially when grandparently instincts to “help” take over. People sitting on the sideline observing this shake their heads and say “Why do they do keep throwing good money after bad to those drunks and druggies?” Maybe that’s not the question that should be asked. Maybe the question should be “How can I help this grandparent resist the urge to go bankrupt or being harassed by helping the grandchildren?”

One of the things grandparents long for is being a part of the life of the grandchild. But, it doesn't have to be a grandchild to help fill that void. If you are in the family, consider paying more attention to Granny as a loved one who is not seeking any financial reward. Enlist other family members to become more a part of the grandparents’ life.  If there are a few of you, possibly schedule regularly timely visits. If there is more focus on the non-addicted children, maybe the grandparent will not succumb so quickly to the attention of the addicts.

While visiting, talk about people you know who have been through rehab or are addicted. Get the conversation going and gently let it turn to the abusing grandchildren. I strongly advise NOT to be judgmental or critical of either the addicts or the grandparent. Suggest books (audio books may be best), bring pamphlets and leave them on the coffee table, offer to come over if they feel they are being pressured by the addicted grandchild. Most importantly, reassure the grandparent about what a wonderful job they did in being a grandparent in general. Never tell them or suggest that they are a failure because that just makes them want to try harder to help.

Financially, if the responsible family member has the ability to provide direction to the grandparent, it may be a good idea to ask the grandparent, “How much money can you afford to give to your grandchild to help them get started in life?” The next question should be, “Is there anything you DO NOT want them to do with the money?” or “Would you like them to be restricted to using this money in a certain way?” If the money isn’t available in a lump sum, starting a running accounting journal for each child, each time money is given, write into the journal and make the child SIGN a receipt for the cash. This will be much easier said than done and giving cash to an alcoholic or drug addict means the money never goes for what it is supposed to go for.

Educating the grandparent will probably go farther than helping them set up a cash account. If an alcoholic asks for money for food – give them food instead of cash. If they need transportation, offer them a ride. If they need money for rent, offer to take the money to the rental manager. If they need medical help, offer to assist in filling out the paperwork for Medicaid or some other resource agency. A part of the educating includes had facts about the medical complications of alcoholism. 

Grandparents are not all marshmallows, they’ve had to hear hard facts in the process of getting older – tell them the facts about alcoholism and what it does to the human body. They won’t want those perfect little treasures to be riddled with holes in the brain or yellow/orange skin.

If physical violence is a threat, don’t wait for the grandparent to take action. Call your local Area Agency on Aging and find out how you can protect them.

In a nutshell, in my opinion, the most effective way to stop the insanity of alcoholic/drug addicted children from preying on the people who love them the most – is for the family to get involved and intervene. Grandparents are not weak, they are just clouded by the overwhelming love they have for their future generations. As family members, it is our responsibility to help them see clearly once again.

Of course, there are support groups that may offer some help and comfort – OARS F&F Group is available as well as AlAnon, SmartRecovery and others. But, the best help starts at home.

Dead brain cells...

One of my OARS Group members posted about a blog she had come across that helped her with her feelings of guilt over her husband’s alcoholism. I followed the link and found this terrific blog post (written by “Charlie”) that I felt I needed to share with all my readers.

http://privilegedaddictwriter.blogspot.com/2012/12/why-alcoholics-hurt-people.html

You might want to check it out and read some of Charlie’s other posts as well. I will certainly be following him.

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We had an update on Riley’s MRI results that were ordered by the neurologist. It was explained to us that Riley has the physical body of an 85 year old man even though he is only 75 years old. He is diagnosed with “moderate brain atrophy”. But, don’t let the “moderate” fool you. As we age our brains do atrophy – how much depends on many factors. Let’s say that Riley had never used any alcohol, then normal atrophy would probably be minimal, but Riley has an alcohol abused brain with moderate atrophy for an 85 year old man. And… it is continuing to atrophy. This means he “officially,” medically, has been diagnosed with dementia and it will become worse as he continues to travel in this world. There is something reassuring that the debate on his mental health (does he or doesn’t he have dementia) will no longer be an issue.

In my research I found that it really doesn’t take much alcohol (2 to 4 drinks a day) to increase the percentage of atrophy in our brains as we age. I remember back in the day, that we used to joke about “killing some brain cells” as we open another bottle of wine. I don’t think any of us realized then what harm we were actually doing to our future health. We were young and probably would not have changed even if we knew.

There are things that we can do throughout the years to help our brain be healthier. If we exercise our thought processes it’s like exercising our bodies. Things like crossword or word puzzles and taking those quizzes, reading and even those argumentative debates can help keep your mind sharp. Of course, it also helps if you have a balanced diet and limit your intake of unhealthy substances like alcohol.

We finally have a blissfully appointment free week – with the exception of a dentist appointment for me. I thought this was the week we would get all the “official” results from all the tests and a decision on the treatment plan for Riley’s cancer. But, some things got changed around and now the week of the 22^nd will be the week for all that. I want to enjoy and take advantage of this week by taking things slow and easy. Hopefully I won’t have to do a lot of driving or running errands. I can get some housekeeping things done and manage to get some cooking done. Oh, yeah, and I’m hoping for a little rest.

The one thing I will be continuing with is my pursuit of finding alcoholics who are willing to be filmed for the upcoming documentary. Actually, it won’t be premiered until January 2016, but we are in the process of gathering stories now. If you are an actively drinking alcoholic, I’d love to hear your story of how you have come to be in the position you are in. How you survive each day? If you have a job, how do you “hold it together” and get through the day without a negative incident? If you have suffered consequences from your drinking, what were they and how did you resolve the consequences? Imagine the benefit that can be gained for the audience and possibly for you by bringing the issues of being a practicing alcoholic into the light. Maybe you can show that it is possible to be a heavy-drinker and still maintain a sound, productive life. E-mail me if you are thinking about participating and we can connect you with the producers who can answer all your questions.

The main thing I’m not able to do is the biggest project on my table and I’m still feeling a bit of resentment over having to postpone my seminars sessions. But I’ll work through it by getting some of the prep stuff done. I have centerpieces to make, door prizes to gather, welcome bags to stuff, and PowerPoint presentations to compose. By the time I’m able to go forward with the seminars, all the little time-consuming things will already be done and have a choice of topics all set to go.

When I re-start the seminars, I’m considering beginning in the Washington DC area sometime in December (if possible) and focus on the topic of surviving the holidays. I can’t think of any time of the year that is more stressful on the loved ones of alcoholics than the holiday season. Alcohol flows like the waterfalls at Yosemite. It’s as though people don’t know how to have a party or a dinner or even a kid’s party without rum laced eggnog or bourbon soaked cookies. I remember my mother once getting tipsy from the bourbon balls she made for my deployed Riley. It was certainly a very rare occasion.

Normally, Riley and I live a quiet, simple existence out here in the country. However, I’m told that things won’t be so quiet once Riley starts chemo/radiation. I’m not really sure what to expect. I know he will most likely be very sick and weak. But, that’s about all I’ve been told. I have already asked for hospice to come out and evaluate our prospective needs. But, really, I’m in a wait-and-see mode.

My plan is to keep you posted and possibly get Riley to agree to some more videos of him as he goes on this cancer journey.

Colo/rectal cancer facts...

Since Riley was diagnosed with colo/rectal cancer, I have been busy doing research. I find that information is given to us in the doctor’s offices is very slow and methodical. They don’t want to tell us too much too soon. The doctors say it is because they are not yet 100% sure of this or that. They do know it is cancer, but they want another test and then another test. Riley was diagnosed in early July and we are still waiting for some kind of treatment plan.

What we know for sure so far is this: Riley has a tumor in his rectum that is of 99.9% certainty that it is cancer. The tumor – which we have named “Tommy” – has spread to at least one lymph node. Since our last appointment with the cancer doctor, Riley has noticed an increase in the size of the lump in his groin. Tommy is growing.

On Monday Riley is having biopsy surgery of the Tommy occupied lymph node. The surgeons will either remove the lymph node or they will simply take a sample of Tommy. It will then be analyzed in the lab for 100% confirmation that Tommy is malignant. It is the personal opinions of all the various doctors involved that Tommy is a very bad guy.

The treatment plan (assuming that Tommy is malignant) is based on many factors:

1. Riley’s general health – Riley’s frequent near-fatal detoxes and damage caused by alcohol abuse have left him in poor physical health.
2. Riley’s general attitude – Riley believes if he gets treatment (whatever it is), he can then go back to drinking. He doesn’t seem to understand (or care) that the two issues are not related. The treatment will not restore him to perfect physical health allowing him to begin the destruction again. The treatment may cure him of cancer but will not repair his brain atrophy or the damage to his heart. In fact, the treatment may make those ailments worse. Chemo and radiation is so invasive and harsh that it could be the cure that kills him.
3. Riley’s choice of plans – Riley doesn’t want any surgery that will cause him to lose bowel control. He wants chemo and radiation.

While Riley’s issues/wants will be taken into consideration, there is a distinct possibility that NO treatment will be offered to him due to the “cure can kill” being too risky. If the powers that be think the percentage of possibility of death is at a certain point – they will simply let Tommy take his course in overtaking Riley’s body. No treatment at all may mean a better quality of life for a much longer period of time. You can find an excellent description of the treatment options here: http://www.colorectal-cancer.ca/en/anal-cancer/treatment-options/

As is my basic personality – I needed to consult Doctor Google and find facts that could be useful, if not to me, than to my readers in learning about this cancer who seems to like people who are either practicing alcoholics or those who may have been in recovery for any amount of time. The bottom line is cancer likes alcoholics. If a self-imposed death sentence via alcoholic isn’t successful, there is another opportunity waiting in the wings.

In my research I found a chart that shows that colo/rectal cancer is the third most often diagnosed cancer in men. Of the men who have colo/rectal cancer, more than half had abused alcohol over a long period of time. Even moderate alcohol (a lifetime average of 2 to 4 alcoholic drinks per day) use can cause a pre-disposition towards colo/rectal cancer.

Some of the reasons cited for this increase in cancer in alcoholics is explained in a very difficult to read medical journal type document. I’ve tried to re-write it so us normal folks can understand. It’s something like this:

1. Alcohol produces acetaldehyde  which is a carcinogen (cancer causing substance) for more information on this see http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/drugs-alcohol/hangover4.htm; also see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcohol_and_cancer
2. Because alcohol can also be used as a solvent (cleaner that dissolves crude), it enhances the ability for other carcinogenic molecules to inter the mucosal cells (tissues)
3. Alcoholics generally have diets low in essential nutrients which weakens the immune system and makes the tissues of the body more susceptible to carcinogens.  http://www.cancer.org/cancer/news/expertvoices/post/2013/06/26/does-drinking-alcohol-increase-the-risk-of-cancer.aspx

 That’s what I’ve learned so far. There is so much information out there, that it is sometimes difficult to sort through it all and put into layman terms. The bottom line is that if you drink alcohol, you are far more susceptible to cancer than you would be if you did NOT drink alcohol.

Six words that equal Survival

When I first started writing the blog, I had already done months’ worth of research in order to get answers that were written in a format that I could understand. It didn’t happen overnight. I recall how I came upon each subject for research in The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife.

However, there was a topic that I just couldn’t get my head around. The idea of recovery for the people who care about the alcoholic seemed to escape me. In my mind the only way for a spouse to recover from all that nonsense was to just get a divorce – leave him/her – kick ‘em to the curb! But there are also parents and children and friends and partners and co-works… the list goes on. What would be the answer to recovery for everyone?

As time went on, I discovered that the families and friends may need recovery just as much as the alcoholic. That’s why Al-Anon was created. It was to provide courage, strength and hope to the families and friends of alcoholics. There are 12 steps and 12 traditions that provide the handrails up the recovery ladder. Al-Anon provides a wonderful place for those just starting out in the realization and acceptance of being involved with an alcoholic.

But for me, the concept of recovery goes far deeper. There are so many of us that cannot or will not dump the alcoholic for some reason or another. Often when the alcoholic becomes end-stage separating from the alcoholic becomes just as problematic as the drinking itself. Everyone must make their own decision on leaving, staying, or whatever. For those people – the caretakers of end-stage alcoholics – recovery is most important. Maybe even not just the end-stagers, but all-stagers remaining in the situation.

Instead of the word “recovery” I like the word “survival”. How does the family or friend SURVIVE when in this impossible, nonsensical, frustrating situation? I sum it up with several words. KNOWLEDGE. SUPPORT. HEALTH. PASSION. LAUGHTER. SMILE.

KNOWLEDGE – As the alcoholic succumbs to different illnesses and conditions through the stages of the disease, do your research and learn everything you can about the physical biology that going on inside that alcoholic body. Also, learn about your legal standing, the workings of the hospital and hospice, know absolutely everything about your health insurance. Don’t just depend on an answer from a friend of a friend who once shook hands with someone who may have drank too much at a party… Find out for yourself through internet research, the library, speaking with a professional. Knowledge is the key to survival – I’ve said it a million times. Make all decisions based on knowledge that you know to be a fact.

SUPPORT – No matter how much research you do, there’s nothing like confirmation from someone who has been in your shoes. An exchange of ideas and experiences can be a life preserver in the midst of a super storm. Don’t just stick with only one support program because there are many out there. So if one doesn’t work, check it off your list and move on. Something will fit and you will be grateful to have found it. I offer OARS F&F Group on Facebook. You must e-mail me to be sent an invitation to the group.

HEALTH – While you may be consumed with the health issues of the alcoholic, don’t forget that you may have your own health issues that need attending. You can’t take care of anyone else if you are too run down to take care of yourself. Get your check-ups. Take your medication and stay as physically fit as you possibly can. You will need all your strength to survive the chaos.

PASSION – Find your passion in life. Do you like bird-watching? Are you a writer? Is cooking your thing? Whatever it is, find it and do it. Don’t let anything the alcoholic is currently messing with stop you from enjoying the satisfaction of doing something you really want to do. While being involved in the activity you will most likely meet other people who also enjoy your passion. Having friends who are uninvolved with alcoholism is often a breath of fresh air when you feel your head is surrounded by the smog of drunkenness. Don’t deny yourself some normalcy. Those who are really – I mean REALLY – lucky can turn their passion into a new money-making venture. I’ve heard that if you make money doing what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. How awesome would that be?

LAUGHTER – Laughter truly is often the very best medicine. So you’ve been crying for days and the depression hole is so deep that you can’t even see the light from the top. STOP whatever it is you are doing and just laugh. Laugh at a comedy on TV; the squirrels playing in the yard; the crazy thought you just had; something some uninformed know-it-all said to you yesterday; the outfit you threw on this morning. It doesn’t matter what you laugh at or even if it is funny or not, just laugh anyway. Laughing fills your lungs with oxygen which makes your brain function in a clearer manner. It makes you feel physically more refreshed. It’s not just about attitude – it’s an exercise for good health.

SMILE – I have found that I smile at everyone I possibly can and I feel a bit calmer inside. I like to believe that I’m helping someone else by sharing that smile. When I wake up in the morning, no matter how I feel about another day, I always say “Gooood Morning!” and I say it with a giant smile. Even though my day may go rapidly downhill, I have started out on a good note. My mother used to tell me that if you smile, people will either think you are a happy person or wonder what you have been up to. I like both of those reactions.

In this month of recovery, I think we can all benefit from surviving whatever it is that is causing stress. Survive from being a caretaker of an alcoholic. Survive from the stress of having an alcoholic boss. And when you are on the survival road… don’t forget to smile!