Free lunch...

I learned a hard lesson as a child. It had to do with an advertisement I saw that said a car was being offered for FREE. I took the ad to my father and told him I had the solution to helping my brother get another car. My father read over the ad and then read to me the “fine print.” It seems certain accessories were free – like the windshield wipers – but the car itself still had a price tag. After our discussion about how unfair the ad was, he looked me squarely in the eyes and said, “Linda, no matter what anyone says, there is no such thing as a free lunch.”

My father was right. Even a free lunch costs something.  Although it may not be in dollars and cents, the cost can still be more than you can afford. Anyone who has ever felt pressured to accept an invitation from a boss to have lunch, knows that there is a price tag. To accept means your cost is in the time you spend eating with a person you would not choose on an everyday basis.

Recently I had a conversation with the developer of the Webinar “Intervene – An Emergency Guide to Heavy Drinking and Alcoholism.” We were talking about feeling guilty because we have to solicit funds to manage the different projects that we hope will make a difference in someone’s life. As much as we both would like to offer everything we have to everyone who wants it at no cost at all, the fact is that everything cost something.

A comment on my last post says I have gone “corporate.” That I’m no longer real and Riley is forgotten. The commenter was disappointed in me because I posted that my book was now available in Smashwords and that the webinar was coming up and my followers were invited to join. I want to address this comment publicly here so if others feel the same they may be able to understand.

“The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife” has been offered on this site for quite a while. It is not a new thing. An e-book version was promised many months ago and I’ve followed through on that promise. The book is now available for your Kindle, Nook, IPad, etc. In the next couple of days it will be available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.  A soft cover version is also promised and I’m working on making that happen.

The webinar is not my creation. I have contributed information for the material, but I cannot take ownership because it is not mine to take. Sandy Jones is the author, creator and producer of the entire 11-week series of classes. She has done an excellent job and there is a lot to learn from her research and efforts. There are expenses associated with this endeavor, such as the web hosting and designing, handouts, teleconference expenses. This was a huge undertaking and while she was working on this webinar, she had less time to work on her real job. To be offered to my readers for $50 is just a drop in the bucket compared to what it cost her.

Besides “The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife” and the “Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics” (which is currently being updated), I also have three support groups for friends and families of alcoholics. Two are free to host via FaceBook, but the third is a private site for which I pay to maintain and host. It is expensive. The money comes from the GoFundMe account. Usually there is not enough money in the account and I cut corners on my home budget so I can keep the website up and running.

Besides the cold hard cash that is needed to keep doing what I do, I spend nearly five hours a day on Immortal Alcoholic / OARS related activities. During those hours, I support followers either through e-mail or on the support sites. My in-box has so many letters that where I used to answer every one within a few hours, I now can seldom answer each and every one individually. I do research on things that I hear about or information passed on to me. I plan and organize to expand the groups and eventually make available real meetings with real people. I reach out in my community to offer my services to anyone that I can possibly help.

While I’m doing that, I’m working a part-time “corporate” day-job that gives me just enough income to fund my activities. I’m watching out for Riley and teaching him how to be self-sufficient again after having so abused his brain with alcohol that he only is able to function at the level of a pre-teen boy. I cook for him, clean for him, shop for him and set his TV recorder so he never misses an episode of NCIS. He could not afford to pay someone for all the things I do for him. In fact, when I have someone come in to help, it can cost as much as $50 an hour.

I was once worked for a Fortune 500 company in San Francisco. I wore designer suits to work and had standing appointments for my hair and nails. I worked from very early in the morning into the evening. I planned, facilitated, and attended conferences, conventions, seminars, workshops, meetings and teambuilding events. I couldn’t get through the day without my calendar. I made great money and it cost me great money in cash and time just to keep up the appearances and be away from my family.  I thank God every day that I no longer work in that environment.

In my dream world, I would be able to quit my day-job and find a way to make money on the things that give me the most satisfaction – my Immortal Alcoholic and OARS work. I would be able to help people and put food on the table at the same time. I don’t live in a dream world. I live in reality where the bills come in every month no matter how helpful I am to others. I can rack up hundreds of hours of “good deeds” but the electric company still wants cash.

So… as Sandy and I talked about feeling guilty about trying to make money off this horrible thing called addiction, we came to understand that the more money we make, the more we can benefit others. We discussed the fact that rehab centers make big money off addiction. Doctors, lawyers, hospitals, all turn a profit from addiction. Neither of us aspire to become multi-millionaires from doing what we do. We just don’t want to end up in the red or sacrifice necessities for the cause.

To the commenter who said I’m not real, I’m fundraising. Anonymous is half right. I am fundraising. But I am still real and Riley is still flourishing under my care. I’m helping about 1,000 people on average every single day. Just imagine how many people could benefit if I could afford more time and money to provide the avenues to reach them.

Anonymous – if you’re looking for a free lunch, well, I wish you good luck with that.

E-Book and Webinar

My book, The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife, is now out on Kindle, Nook, Sony, IPad, and many other e-book formats. This is an extremely personal book which gives an in-depth look at my life from childhood to the present. The family stories show how I was groomed to be a caretaker from an early age. It is the story of my life.

Mixed in with the stories, both heart-breaking and humorous, there is a lot of useful information written in a language the language of a regular person. You won’t have to have any medical training to understand the explanations of alcohol related complications.

Anyone with an alcoholic in their life will benefit from reading this book. Alcoholics will get a glimpse of what it is like to be on the other side of the bottle.

Get your copy today from Smashwords:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/286326

 

--WEBINAR—

I have contributed information for an upcoming webinar that may be of interest to many of my followers. I’ll be participating in the program and my readers have been invited to join. I hope that many of you decide to take advantage of this opportunity.

INTERVENE – An Emergency Guide to Heavy Drinking and Alcoholism

Starting February 24^th at 5:30 pm PST, the duration will be about one and half hours.

This is an 11-week, in-depth webinar which will answer questions such as:

What’s an average amount of drinking? How much is too much? How will I know if my friend or loved one needs help? Who do I go to? Why can’t alcoholics exercise just a little bit of disciple? Why can’t they stop?

The cost of the webinar is $50 which is a giant savings considering that it will be $279 when it is rolled out to the general public.

For more information about the webinar creator and details of the program, please visit:

www.InterveneToday.com

Dead? Alive?

This was written by an OARS member who is the daughter of an alcoholic. She has chosen to take a step back from her father as he walks down his alcoholic path. The invisible umbilical cord binding child to parent still remains as she tries to minimize her involvement in his insane behavior. In my opinion, she has mastered the art of detaching with love.

Ms Forland writes:

I don’t go to my alcoholic father’s house as much as I used to… but do pass it on the way to work. I phone him often to “check in” but when I don’t get an answer a knot forms in my stomach and won’t go away until I hear from or see him. This week it was about two or three days and since he had received his check for his pension recently, I figured he was on a bender.

Dead or Alive? Dead or Alive? Those thoughts keep going through my head as I drove to his house a few days ago.

I shoveled his driveway and steps and was comforted to see footprints in the snow leading to his door. I could not bring myself to actually go into the house. I figured he was plastered or dead, or in bed asleep since he sleeps all day and drinks all night.

The next day, I couldn’t handle the stomach pains from the anxiety of not knowing if he was dead or alive, so I went to his house again. As I walked up to the door, I threw salt on the steps and waited to see if the front door would open on its own. It did not.

I walked in, paused and listened for sounds of life. Both the TVs were on full blast. Dead or Alive? I slowly walked through the kitchen. The counters and table were cluttered with empty bottles of rum and vodka among the food and dirty dishes. Dead or Alive? I entered the living room, some papers were scattered everywhere along with plates of food on the floor. There was no sign of him on the main floor. No blood or vomit. Good sign, right?

Dead or Alive? Dead or Alive?

Upstairs, I pause and listen. Quiet. Dead or Alive? I took a deep breath and slowly walked to his bedroom. Dead or Alive? I turn the corner and can see into his room. TADA! There he is. I see his body move slightly and I know he is still alive. I sneak backwards out of the room, turn and go down the stairs and, quietly but quickly, out the door.

As I drove home, I could feel my stomach knots unravel and relax. I’m good. That is until the next time. 

Detaching is one of the hardest things ever needed when someone we love is addicted to alcohol or drugs. The problem seems to be more complicated when detachment is needed between children and parents or vice versa. I always have the option of leaving and forgetting about my husband, but it never feels like an option for a parent to leave a child or a child to leave a parent. Those ties cannot be cut by a bunch of legal words on a court-recorded document. The ties are binding for life.

I admire Ms Forland for finding a way to satisfy her need to protect him and, at the same time, protect herself. I know that what she wanted to do was wake him up and shake some sense into him. I know I would have had a hard time resisting that urge. I admire her for not cleaning up his house, stocking his refrigerator with healthy food and thereby letting him believe she will take care of his messes. She was able to recognize HER need to know if he was still alive and once that need was met she did nothing more. Nothing more would have done anyone any good or made her feel any better.

If the person had been her child, I think it would have been even harder for her to walk out the door. It’s so extremely hard to keep those maternal protection instincts from kicking in and trying to save the child from imminent danger. Sometimes trying to save the child in that moment only teaches them they can depend on the parent to always come to their rescue. That in turn prevents them from actually taking responsibility for themselves and saving their own lives.

I think it’s normal for each of us to think we would know what we would do if we were placed into a certain situation. The fact is that we never really know how we will react or what we would do. There are so many scenarios to life, it’s impossible to imagine every which way we would turn in the real event. Sometimes we just react instinctively and other times we think things through to a rational end.  The main thing to remember is that no matter what we do, we will always do what we feel is the right thing in whatever the circumstance and in that instant. It may not seem right to others, or in my own hindsight, but there is no need to feel guilty or accept others criticism. Pushing down those feelings of guilt are sometimes harder than doing what you felt was right at the time.

As for me, I fight the “guilt-monster” every single day. But, I am confident I’ve always done what I felt was the best thing to do at any given time and in any given circumstance based on the information at hand and from my previous experiences. To do any less would be like trying to revive the Pansies I planted last spring.