Balancing act...

I have known for a very long time that Riley is narcissistic. Combine that with the fact that he doesn’t have a clear sense of right and wrong. He constantly insists that if something is right for him, then it is not wrong for him to do whatever that something is. No amount of reasoning can get it through to him that if something is wrong then it is wrong for everyone including Riley.

Weekends are always chaotic here in this little house. My grandson and his wife are off from work and the little ones are not in school. Things can get very noisy and confusing. On one particular day, we had addition family visiting from out of town creating even more chaos. The children were yelling and Nicole was making a valiant attempt at calming them down. She wasn’t having much luck. In the middle of all this, Riley emerges from his room and appears in the living room.

“I want a snack. RIGHT NOW!” Riley bellowed over the other loud voices in the room. I quietly got up and got him some cupcakes and a glass of milk. I took them to his room and set them on his table. Then I asked why he had been so loud and couldn’t have just asked me to step into the kitchen with him. His response was that no one was paying any attention to him and so he wanted to remind everyone that he was important. I shook my head and left the room.

The next day, when things were back to being the quiet normal workday, I asked him if he understood that his behavior was wrong. I reminded him that he was not a child, but rather a 70+ year old man who had the capability of simply asking me to fix him a snack. He proceeded to tell me it wouldn’t have had the same affect. That he got the attention of everyone in the room and I reacted immediately to his demand. He got what he wanted so his behavior was right for him. He continued to tell me that just because I thought he was wrong, did not make him wrong and he didn’t care about what was wrong or right for me.

Keeping the peace between me and Riley requires a delicate balancing act. On one end of the scale is his inability to see that he’s being a jerk. At the other end, is me trying to keep my temper intact while not agreeing or caving in with his demands. Actually, most of the time the scale is tipped in my favor because to keep it perfectly even means that he gets away with everything he wants. I make sure there is just enough anger to let him know I’m not going to tolerate his childishness. I’m much like a parent who makes sure the kids know that screaming in the grocery store for a toy will not get them the toy. But, if they ask politely they just might be accommodated.

I’ve heard from others that the alcoholics in their lives have similar selfish traits. There is no way to get through to them because they have their filters on that prevents them from hearing what we are saying. Alcohol shuts down the ability to be reasonable and objective. Those capabilities are housed in the front lobe of the brain which is the first part of the brain to be damaged or clouded by alcohol consumption.

When we see before us a person that we once shared reasonable, rationale, humorous, insightful, enjoyable conversations, we tend to forget that the current person before us is not using the same brain functions as they did in the past. It’s hard to remember that the alcoholic cannot reason out situations. They do not have the ability to use good judgment. It is extremely frustrating. We often get glimpses of the original person, but as the alcoholism progresses those glimpses are fewer and farther between.

As I’m writing this post the entire house is quiet. Everyone is still asleep. These quiet times when I can write don’t happen every day or, even, every week. I want to take advantage of the quietness while it lasts. Riley comes into the kitchen. He stands at the end of the counter and asks where his coffee is. I tell him I haven’t started it because I wanted to finish this post. I say those words as I stop typing and get up and start the coffee. I pour in the water and load the coffee basket and am just about to push start when Riley says – “You don’t have to do it right now. It can wait until you’re done.”

It takes all my strength to not tip that balance scale until it hits bottom. I want to scream at him – “Are you kidding me! You wait until I’m done making it to tell me NOT to make it??” Instead of screaming at him, I turn and look at him with that look. All the women reading this know the look I’m talking about. All you men reading this know that look from seeing it on your wife’s face. It’s the look that says it’s time to shut up and leave the room.

With the noise of the water running and shuffling of canisters, etc, the great-grandkids are now up and asking for chocolate milk, wanting their coloring things set up and needing attention. Oh well… my quiet time is at an end. The little ones are so loving in the morning, I am happy they are awake.

In a few weeks we will move into a larger house with Riley and I being in the downstairs and the rest of the family upstairs. It’s the perfect set up for us. Riley will be out of his room more and able to get his own coffee. I won’t worry about waking anyone up because they won’t be able to hear what’s going on downstairs. I will have a dedicated office where I can write my posts without interruption. I’m hoping it will be easier to keep my balance scale level in this new environment.

I'd like to meet you...

It was almost two years ago that I started this blog. I had no idea that I was opening such a gigantic box containing so many people in my situation. The more I wrote the more I felt that I was genuinely helping people. It felt good to know I could help others while helping myself. My loyal readers have read my journey through this insanity and know me without ever meeting me. I am truly fortunate.

A lot has transpired since that day in December 2010 when I published that first post. There’s the Workbook, the ImmortalAlcoholic Facebook page, the OARS F&F Group, my book The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife and I never felt my work was complete.

There is still a lot to do. I believe I’ve only touched the tip of the iceberg. The membership on the OARS F&F Group is growing daily. With our numbers increasing the Facebook format is making it difficult for people to maintain a string of conversation without getting confused. We need our own website.

Several OARS members met in person last month to have a live meeting. It turned out to be extremely helpful to them and they are looking forward to future meetings. It was a simple get-together in a restaurant that was reachable by everyone. Besides sharing stories, they laughed and enjoyed an evening outside the chaos. We need more live meetings reaching more caretakers who need support and camaraderie. Imagine meeting someone face to face who truly understands where you've been -- or possibly knows where you are going.

All of this leads to me believing that the time is NOW for me to begin the quest to turn OARS into a non-profit organization. This non-profit organization will provide support, education, live meetings, maintaining an independent website, and other resources to the friends and families of alcoholics in general. While I have always focused on the caretakers of end-stage alcoholics, this would be open to anyone inside the chaos.

I know there is Al-Anon and I believe they help many people. Unfortunately, there are many people that Al-Anon just doesn’t seem to fit. This is especially true of end-stage alcoholism. There is room on this planet for many different support progams.

At one point in time, I would have been able to fund the cost of becoming a non-profit on my own. But, since I’ve retired and Riley now has special needs, the funds are just not available to defray all the costs of filing paperwork, securing an attorney and accountant, and just simply getting things set up. The current members of OARS have banned together to initiate a fund raiser, but that won’t generate money for quite some time. We need this now.

Below you will find a link to a fundraising site that I have set up. This site allows me to accept donations from interested parties. Please be aware that because we not yet a non-profit organization these contributions are considered to be GIFTS.

It is not in my nature to ask anyone for money. When/if I do, it is an extreme emergency and not just a frivolous request. These gifts are not for me personally. They are expressly to facilitate an organization that I believe will help many, many people.

Please join me in my next step in my journey. Please support me in turning OARS F&F Group into a non-profit organization. No amount is too small. Everyone can help me in reaching my goal. On the right side of the screen you will find a link to the funding website. Click now and join the cause!

Thank you…

Linda

Live til you die...

There is no way around it. No way to fight it or fend it off. Alcoholism destroys lives. It takes away free-will, rational thought and the ability to appreciate life in and of itself. Alcoholism is a slow form of suicide and it is painful for everyone around to watch as it progresses toward death.

Caretakers of end-stage alcoholics do everything and anything to keep the alcoholic from reaching death’s door. They plead, manipulate, threaten, and anything else they think will help at the time. Many live insane lives trying to find some reason in the chaos. Is the whole process futile? Does a caretaker ever manage to really reach the alcoholic’s sensibility to make a difference?

Maybe the process is futile. But, just maybe the one alcoholic that person is dealing with is the one that finally gets the fact that life is worth living. How are we to know if we don’t try? And so we try. We try over and over again.

When I hear about people trying to find ways to prevent their alcoholic from getting the alcohol or from drinking their coveted juice, I get this little chill up the backside of my neck. Because even though I think we must try to help the alcoholic find reason, I also think there is a line that must be drawn about how much trying we should do.

In my opinion, it is not productive to file law suits against drinking establishments who serve alcohol to drunken patrons. It is also not productive to force cab drivers to refuse to take inebriated persons to the liquor store. Forcing others to be accountable for the bad decisions made by others is just too much policing for my taste.

There are other things that can be done. Calling the police and reporting that your drunken loved one has just driven off, for example, is one way to make the alcoholic’s drinking life difficult. When they are in jail, don’t bail them out. Don’t call their employment and tell them the alcoholic is too sick to come into work. Don’t clean up their messes. In short, let these people be responsible for their own actions. Make them accountable and don’t back down on any consequences that have been established by either you or society. Of course that is just my opinion.

As most of us know, things change a lot as the alcoholic becomes end-stage. It becomes easier to just let them be the way they want rather than to try to initiate change in any manner. After several rehabs or detoxes, it becomes obvious nothing is going to stop them from making that journey to the morgue. It is inevitable. It may take days, weeks, months, years, but it will happen.

Once the reality hits that change in favor of the better life for the alcoholic is not going to happen, we must change our point of view and take a look at our own life. Of course, we should have been doing that all along – but – something happens and we get all tangled up in the drama. Some of us even begin to welcome the drama because it is an indicator that we are still alive. But, our lives are more important than that. Life is for the ones who truly want to live – I don’t see end-stage alcoholics as people who really desire even one more year of life. It is the caretakers who want to live. Unfortunately, if they don’t come to terms with that they will often die before the alcoholic from the sheer stress of the trying to preserve the alcoholic’s unwanted life.

My mother was really big on saying that today was a wonderful day and that we will never have it back again. She insisted on productivity in each and every day. She never wasted one day – not ever. I’m a bit like her. I don’t want to waste a day because I’ll never have this day to do over again. Once it’s gone – it’s gone forever. I don’t think I have to be productive work-wise every day, but I do have to produce something that is meaningful. I not only insist, but demand, that I find some joy in each day. I find humor in a simple word or action. I smile even when I want to frown. I find something to do that creates a good feeling inside me, even if no one else notices.

I’m lucky. I have found my passion. If it had not been for all the nonsense I’ve been through with being Riley’s caretaker, I may not ever have known that my passion was helping others survive similar ordeals. Other people have other passions. For one woman it was taking photographs of her pets. Another enjoyed reading stories to children at the local library. These two women were trying to find a way to escape all the insanity and when they ventured out past the alcoholic world, they found life in the other worlds they explored.

No one knows better about how difficult a task it may be to step aside and let the alcoholic do as they are going to do. After all, we must protect ourselves and our homes from the damage they can create. Sometimes we must find a person who will stay in the house with the alcoholic while we are gone. Sometimes we have to close the door to their area while occupying ourselves with other activities. I’ve heard of one man who observed his alcoholic daughter over a period of time and made notes and videos of her decline. He then put together a video document. He also put together a memory book of all the great memories he had and wanted to remember forever. After the daughter’s death, he put his alcoholic creation in her casket with the daughter. No one will ever see it. He keeps the memory book on a table within easy reach. Both creations (good and bad) occupied his time and thoughts and when it was over – he realized he had found a way for it to be truly over forever without losing all the good things his daughter represented. The time span for his creation was only about a year. It was a year well spent because he now has the rest of his life to be free.

As caretakers, we must not forget how to enjoy our own life. It is our responsibility to be as happy as we can possibly be. OK. So the alcoholic did something horrendous and we must now find a way around it or fix it or do SOMETHING about it. So do it and move on to the next challenge while finding a way to look forward to something that is pleasant for you. Do what you must that may be distasteful and immediately follow it with something that makes you smile. A few minutes ago I cleaned Riley’s poop from the bathroom floor, now I’m here writing in my blog, because it makes me happy. Tomorrow after doing all his ugly laundry, I’ll be taking a walk on the beach. This is how I survive.

Life as the caretaker of an end-stage alcoholic is never easy. Sometimes if feels downright impossible. But we must always remember that life is for those who WANT to live. It’s not an easy thing to remember, especially if your alcoholic is your child. If we give up our lives for theirs, who will take care of them? So in a round-about-way, helping ourselves is also helping them.

Slip but don't fall...

I was told that a friend’s husband recently returned to drinking after a year of sobriety. My friend was a bit miffed at me because I didn’t seem surprised. In fact, I said that it was predictable. This is a case of me speaking without thinking. I should have consoled her and supported her, but instead I just spouted out the facts. When a woman is distraught, she seldom wants to be slapped in the face with something as useless as “facts.” I took a mental step back and put my logical mind on hold. I hugged her and told her I was sorry that her husband was being a jerk. That was what she needed and that was what I provided after realizing that I was also being a jerk.

However, facts are facts. This had been her husband’s first time through rehab and it is quite common for first-timers to “test the water” – so to speak. They may not be totally convinced that they are alcoholics so they have a glass of wine with dinner or a beer with the pizza. Most times those seemingly innocent slips turn into another descent toward the bottom. Sometimes they are able to stop and realize what they are doing is destructive and other times it just gets increasingly worse.

For the family and friends there is a process of discovery and acceptance of the relapse. When an alcoholic goes through rehab, the family is elated with the possibilities of returning to a normal, sober life. They envision rekindling of relationships, professional success, and the ability to have everyone seated around the dinner table for a meal. It’s almost like a honeymoon with all the expectations of a wonderful life ahead.

It’s because of this “honeymoon” that we don’t want to believe that the alcoholic has returned to drinking. We don’t trust our instincts because we want more than anything to be wrong. Our instincts tell us something is wrong. We see the signs, but close our eyes. We are afraid to confront the alcoholic with our suspicions because we don’t want to upset them and make them so angry that they stomp off to the nearest liquor store. In our minds we think that if we accuse the alcoholic of drinking and they are not that they are so fragile, they just might start drinking.

This is where things get a bit insane. We need proof. They only way to confront the alcoholic is to have solid irrefutable evidence that the alcoholic has in fact returned to drinking. We search the house, car, yard, or anywhere else that might contain a hidden bottle of booze. We check the bank account for liquor store activity. We might even follow them or set up baby cams. We begin to obsess over where they are and what they are doing. Then when we confront the alcoholic they might just point to the recent activity and ask – who’s the crazy one?

Most often our instincts are correct. It’s that feeling in our guts that tell us the truth. A spouse just “knows” when their mate is cheating. In the case of an alcoholic the booze is what they are cheating with and just like an affair – we know. Proof is good to have, but we wouldn’t be looking for proof if we didn’t already know.

 Unfortunately, most alcoholics are hesitant to freely admit they have returned to drinking. They give excuses and tell the family that they are wrong. They think they are smarter than everyone else and no one will know what they are doing. So they make it difficult for us to help them find their way back before they are in so deep that they cannot get out. It’s a sad situation.

The one thing that must be remembered is that it is very common for alcoholics to relapse. The relapse in and of itself is not the big issue. What is important is what happens afterwards. If the alcoholic is able to see it as a relapse and not an end, they may be able to get back into the sobriety arena. Sometimes a slip is just a slip and with a little stop and rebalance, they can get stay on the road that leads to a healthy life.

Families and friends have slips also. They have a slip back to the insanity of micro-observing everything the alcoholic does. In their valiant attempts to keep things going in the right direction, they get off their own path to sanity. In their search for “proof” they may do things they wouldn’t think of doing otherwise. At these times we must remember a slip is just a slip and not an end. The sooner we regain our balance, the more likely our lives will be less insane.

In the case of my friend’s husband, she was able to stop the search for proof by getting her husband into a situation where he was unable to run from the conversation. She then told him that she knew he had been drinking and that she wanted to help him over this bump in his sobriety road. Of course, he resisted and insisted that she was wrong. He wanted to know what proof she had. She calmly told him she didn’t need proof because she had her instincts to tell her that the man she loved was heading for trouble. She told him that he was the love of her life and she knew him better than anyone else and knew when things were “off.” And things were not right. She also told him that slips and relapses were common in the early years of sobriety and that she would provide him whatever support he needed to make sure would be able to enjoy their life together. She told him that if he decided not to get help and return to sobriety, she would leave him because, although he is the love of her life, alcohol took that person away and she didn’t want to live with the drunk.

He did not stop drinking. Within a month, my friend packed up her things and moved out. She left him in his drunkenness and set up housekeeping elsewhere. Only a few weeks after that, he went back into rehab and has been clean and sober for about a year. My friend has not returned to the family home yet. The couple are talking and “courting” and enjoying their time together.

This couple’s story may have a fairy-tale ending. Or not. Only time will tell.

In my opinion, my friend did the right thing. She confronted, offered help and ended with a consequence which she put into action. She presented herself in a sane manner and showed strength in not letting him turn the conversation into ranting and arguing. Inside she may have been a quivering mess of Jello, but outside she was strong and determined. She was able to maintain her sanity.

It sounds so very easy. Trust me – it is anything but easy. It’s never easy to confront an alcoholic or to leave your soul-mate. For most spouses of alcoholics, my friend’s scenario would not go down as it did for her. When dealing with alcoholism we must always expect the unexpected and be prepared for unpredictability.